Using Mediation

Mediation is also called family dispute resolution. If you cannot work out your disagreements about caring for your kids, mediation can help. Legal Aid NSW has a mediation service you can use if you have a grant of legal aid or have been invited to attend a conference at Legal Aid. Other mediation services are provided by Family Relationship Centres, community organisations and accredited mediators.

The following videos help explain how mediation can assist to resolve family law disputes.

On this page you will also find an interactive photo about who's who in a mediation as well as helpful links and information about mediation.

Using mediation

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SOCCER CLUB CAR PARK - DAY

Dad (Tony) is having a fight with Mum (Erica) in the parking lot of the changeover place . The kids (Matt 10 and Sarah 3) are in the back seat of the car – watching as things escalate between their parents. The camera is focused on how the kids are feeling.

ERICA:
You're a total joke of a dad

TONY:
You don't own them Erica!

ERICA:
Neither do you.

TONY:
No, but I am their father. And I have a right to make decisions about what they do.

ERICA:
It's a bit late for that, Tony. I mean where were you when they were growing up?

TONY:
I was working two shifts. So that you would have money for the kids. You never think of that!

ERICA:
And when Sara was in hospital, I was the one who sat with her all night! You didn't even send her a bloody card.

Dad walks off to his car.

ERICA:
Walk off! Walk off! What you're good for!

Erica gets into the car with the kids, slamming the door and further startling the two kids.

FADE TO BLACK for a STARK TRANSITION FROM CONFLICT TO A CALM ORDER OF MEDIATION.

MEDIATION ROOM - DAY

Wide shot as participants settle. Tony, Erica, mediator, and two lawyers. They are sitting around a round table with the 2 lawyers sitting next to their clients and separating them. The mediator sits in front of a white board.

MEDIATOR::
Welcome and thank you for coming along today. Now today is an opportunity for both of you to discuss the future living arrangements for Matt and Sarah.

Sound fades down. As mediator continues introducing the mediation protocols...we cut to 2 quick doco-style comments from Erica (mum) and Tony (dad).

TONY (on camera interview)

MEDIATOR (on camera interview):
Yeh, we’ll see. I just want some decisions. That’s why I wanted to go to court in the first place, but I know that’s not how the law works. And they say that working something out in mediation is better for the kids. So, here I am. We hear the Mediator's voice in interview. Then see them sitting around the mediation table.

ERICA (on camera interview):
Well, I thought he’d be a no show. So I was kind of relieved when he walked through the door into mediation. At least now we've got a chance to try and work things out so we don't argue so much. I mean, something's got to give.

MEDIATOR (on camera interview):
We do know that 85% of the cases that come through this door result in an agreement – now that saves everyone the pain, the cost and the drawn out process of going to court. So mediation can work.

The mediation is underway and Tony pours himself some water and is voicing one of his key grievances.

TONY (feeling a little nervous):
I booked Matt into this soccer camp months ago. And he loves his soccer. And he's good too. And the camp, it's not easy to get into. And then Erica just decides to take him up to Coffs...

ERICA:
I didn't just decide. I haven't seen my sister since Christmas and I always said we'd go up during the holidays.

TONY:
No-one told me. And besides I don't like them staying up there. You know that.

ERICA:
You don't like my family. I know that.

MEDIATOR:
Ok. Tony. Can you tell us why you don't like Erica taking the children up there?

ERICA:
He doesn't like my sister.

MEDIATOR (in background):
Just let Tony answer the question

TONY:
Your sister's fine- she's not the problem. It's that dropkick she lives with. He knocks her around.

ERICA:
He used to. He doesn't anymore.

TONY:
Bullshit.

MEDIATOR:
Let's hold it there for a bit. Right - now we’ve got some issues here. Let’s put them up on the board.

Mediator jots points onto the board.
* Consultation
* Safety

MEDIATOR (continued):
Right - one is about consulting each other about special arrangements for the children. Right? I'll come back to that. And two is the concern about safety for the children when they are around your sister’s husband. Now that's something we might have a private session about later. Let's move on...

DISSOLVE IN TIME...

Erica is complaining...

ERICA:
I know for a fact that your mother called me a bludger in front of the kids just the other week, and that's just the start of it.

MEDIATOR:
Right so there seems to be issues about the children hearing bad things being said about their mother.

Tony has a flashback to Nonna talking

NONNA:
She has never worked a day in her life and all she thinks about is herself. She never thinks about these kids.

MEDIATOR:
So, do we have agreement not to bad-mouth one another in front of the children? And not to let anyone else do so?

ERICA:
Yes

Dad nods

MEDIATOR (on camera interview):
My role is to manage the mediation to help people reach an agreement that focuses on the children. I don’t take sides.

Back into mediation progressing...

MEDIATION ROOM - DAY

ERICA:
And another thing, it's all about Matthew. What about Sarah. When does she get to spend time with her father?

TONY:
She can't do the soccer camp.

ERICA:
What can she do? I mean, something more than reading a book with your mother?

MEDIATOR:
Okay. Let's stop there. This might be a good time for a private session. I'd like you to talk with your lawyers about all the issues that we've discussed so far. So grab yourselves a tea or coffee. There's rooms next door where you and your lawyers can have some privacy.

Every-one starts to gather their papers and rise from the table

ADJACENT Interview ROOM – DAY (during private session)

Dad and his lawyer talk in private in a small interview room.

TONY’S LAWYER:
Tony it’s a good point about Sarah. How do you feel about spending more time with her? It’s about what’s best for both kids. What do you think about maybe doing a parenting course? Could give you some ideas about the sorts of things you and Sara could do together?

Another Interview ROOM – DAY (during private session)

Mum sits with her lawyer in another small interview room...

LEGAL AID LAWYER:
Now the thing with your sister’s husband is serious – even if it’s in the past. We need to make sure that the kids are safe when you visit.

ERICA:
Yeh.

LEGAL AID LAWYER:
OK –well lets think of ways we can deal with that.

ERICA:
I can make sure that I'm always there with the kids when we're visiting. Never leave them by themselves.

We hear a little of mum’s thoughts...

ERICA (voice over):
I found the private sessions really helpful. It took the steam out of things. And we had fresh ideas to bring back to the table.

INT. MEDIATION ROOM - DAY

Following private session, the mediation is more positive, communicative.

TONY:
Yeah, I'd like to get to know Sarah better. And I was thinking about maybe something she could do, like a sport on the Saturday morning.

MEDIATOR:
Does she like sports at school?

ERICA:
Yeah she does. They play like baseball for girls.

TONY:
Softball.

ERICA:
Softball, that's it.

MEDIATOR:
Tony, is that something you could do with her?

TONY (nods agreement):
Yeah sure.

Mum smiles just a little.

We hear Mediator's thoughts ..

MEDIATOR (voice):
It can't be a quick fix. Things change -kids change – so we hope to build a way that will allow parents to talk.

ERICA (voice over):
I don't know if we can make it work. But we'll try.

ERICA (on camera interview):
We've agreed to talk more. Face to face type talk, not mobile phones at twenty paces. There is a lot of detail that the two lawyers are going to write up into a formal agreement. We could have left it informal, but getting the agreement made into a Court Order: its going to make it feel more real. Maybe it can last.

TONY (on camera interview):
Yeh, it was worth it. I love my kids. I think anyone does. They don't deserve the mess we got ourselves into. I think you got to put them first, I mean really put them first - save yourself a lot of grief. Get your life back.

---END---

END NOTES:

This story and the characters in it are made-up and not based on any actual people or their situation.

The information in this video is a general guide to the law. It should not be relied on as legal advice and it is recommended you talk to a lawyer about your particular situation. At the time of production, the information shown is correct but may be subject to change.

TIf you need legal help or referral contact: LawAccess NSW on 1300 888 529 or www.lawaccess.nsw.gov.au

Produced by eegenda.

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Parents that fight

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Parents that fight: Change your words, change the outcome

A car pulls into a driveway in the evening. It is dark

6 Months ago

Man enters home and puts down his bags. He turns on the light and turns around.

Bill:
Oh Jesus

Karen:
Why are you home so damn late?

Bill:
Oh shit Karen, I was working.

Karen:
Bullshit.

Bill:
Is this the thanks I get for working my arse off?

Karen (yelling):
What the hell is the point if you’re never here?

Bill:
You’re talking absolute rubbish.

Karen:
You said you would be home before 10, it is past 1 o’clock in the morning.

Bill:
Oh well excuse me for working hard for my family!

Karen:
Gosh, you are such an arrogant prick.

Bill [Walking past Karen]:
No one talks to me like that, not in my house.

Bill walks past Karen and into home. Karen turns around following Bill to kitchen

Karen:
It is not just your house!

Bill:
Keep your voice down – the kids are asleep! [Man opens fridge and closes it].

Karen:
Me keep my voice down! What don’t you just get out! You’re hardly here anyway.

Bill:
I’m not going anywhere, this is my house.

Karen:
Get out!

Bill:
No.

Karen:
GET OUT!

Bill:
NO! I’m not leaving.

Couple look at one another during a pause in the conversation. Cut to Karen who shakes her head in anger.

Karen:
You’ve sabotaged this from the start. That’s it, it’s over.

Bill:
You are so fucking unreasonable!

Bill storms off. Karen is seen standing in lounge area of home while Bill walks out the front door with a suitcase. Bill slams the door behind him

Bill storms off. Karen is seen standing in lounge area of home while Bill walks out the front door with a suitcase. Bill slams the door behind him
Fade Out
Fade into couple sitting in an office. Karen sitting on left, Bill on right. Mediator sits in between the couple.
Present day.

Mediator:
I will ask each of you to tell me why you’re here and what you hope to achieve at mediation. I’m going to ask each of you to speak as if you are the first speaker. You will have the opportunity later on in the mediation to reply to any specific comments. So… who’s open to making a start?

Cut to Bill looking at Karen. Cut to Karen looking at Bill

Bill:
I’m here because Karen and I decided to separate. It was mutual of course. The court ordered mediation. I’m hoping to sort out some arrangements so I can get Karen off my back and see the kids.

Mediator [turning to Karen]:
Karen, what would you like to achieve?

Karen [shaking her head]:
I’m not sure why I’m even here. It’s all very well for Bill. I’m at home with the kids and I work. He doesn’t have to leave his job. I’m sorry but I’ve got a lot on my plate and this is absolute bullshit.

Fade out.
Fade into Karen in the kitchen making tea. Phone vibrates to indicate she has received a text message. Text message is from Bill. It reads “Out the front”.

Karen:
Benjamin! Your father’s outside.

Slow instrumental music begins to play. Woman leaves kitchen as children emerge from another room. Children approach their mother wearing backpacks.

Karen:
Alright guys – are you good to go?

Molly:
Yep.

Karen:
I will see you in a couple of days [Karen hugs the children] Now if you get scared and you need me you call me, I’ll come get you straight away. (to Molly) Look after your brother.

Molly:
Bye Mum, I love you.

Karen:
I love you too, it will be ok.

Children turn to leave the home. Son falls behind and lingers in doorway, turns to his Mother

Benjamin:
Are you coming outside Mummy?

Karen:
No sweetie, your father’s waiting for you in the car – you’ll be ok.

Children can be seen getting in the back seat of the car. Father turns around from driver’s seat.

Bill:
Hi guys!

Molly:
Hi Dad!

Benjamin:
Hi Dad.

Bill:
Molly, did your Mum ask you to wear your nice clothes?

Music stops. Molly looks out the window without speaking, avoiding looking at her Father.

Bill:
(Sternly) Molly.

Molly:
Ummmmm. I don’t know. I don’t remember

Bill:
Molly – have you got them packed?

Molly:
…No

Cut to Karen in the kitchen. Bill storms in front door.
Bill:
What is your problem!

Karen:
What is it now?

Bill:
I explicitly told you to make sure they’re in their nice clothes because I’m taking them out to Vincent’s restaurant tonight!

Karen:
I told them to. They obviously think the clothes they’re wearing are nice.

Bill:
You know damn well which clothes I meant and you should’ve made sure they were in them. (Yelling) I don’t ask for much Karen!

Karen:
They’re little kids Bill! The restaurant’s not going to care.

Bill:
(mocking) Ohhh they’re little kids Bill the restaurant’s not going to care. How about showing me some respect for once!

Karen:
How about you go and tell someone who gives a shit.

Bill:
You know what, I’ve tried to be reasonable with you but it’s either your way or nothing. I’m over your crap. (Yelling) You are incapable of having a civil conversation. I’m calling my lawyer! I’m going to have 50/50 time with the kids and it’s going to be on my terms!

Bill storms out. Karen shouts after him.

Karen:
You work full time dickhead! You don’t have time to spend with them!

Bill slams the door shut.

Karen:
(shouting) What are they going to do? Make their own dinner?? (to herself) You have no idea you selfish bastard.

Karen’s sister, Sarah, enters.

Sarah:
Wow. He hasn’t changed. What a piece of work. Our family has never been good enough for him. It’s not good for the kids. If he wants 50/50 how are we going to have our time together as a family? I mean he doesn’t even know how to look after them – Mum looks after them more than he does!

Karen:
I’ve tried so hard Sarah.

Sarah:
Yeah I know you have but it’s hard when you’re dealing with someone that unreasonable.

Karen:
I’ve been so good to him. I’ve been so patient. We would never have lasted this long if I didn’t just hang in there and do everything I could to make it work.

Cut to Bill’s Lawyers office

Bill:
OK so apart from the property stuff I basically want to go for 50/50 time with the kids.

Bill’s Lawyer:
Let’s just talk about equal time for a minute. How would equal time look taking into account your work schedule? And times for pick up and drop off of the kids are some of the issues you both need to talk about and work through.

Bill:
Are you kidding me? I can’t even speak to her without her screaming at me or slamming a door in my face!

Bill’s Lawyer:
I can understand from what you’ve told me that negotiating between yourselves could be difficult. So family dispute resolution is an option.

Bill:
What’s that? Look – what am I paying you for if you can’t fix this?!

Cut to Karen walking in her front door checking her mail. Karen opens an envelope and reads a letter. Cut to court room

Judge:
Thank you Mr & Mrs Butler. I note that you are unrepresented today. I also understand that you have not attended family dispute resolution and I would like to make an order today that you do so – yes? The order shall be as follows: The parties will attend family dispute resolution at the first available opportunity with a family dispute resolution practitioner.

Cut to Bill sitting in a room – Mediator opens the door.

Bill:
This is what it’s like – she’s late to everything!

Mediator:
I haven’t checked my messages, she may well have rung to advise me she’s running late.

Bill:
oh shit that would be a first. The point is she’s running late and this happens all the time. This is what I’m dealing with.

Karen enters

Karen:
Sorry I’m late.

Cut to mediator’s office.

Mediator:
I’m going to ask each of you to tell me a bit about Benjamin. It’d be helpful if you could talk a bit about the things he likes to do and the things that he’s not so keen on. Karen, I’ll ask you to start.

Karen:
Well, to say Benjamin was a very talented and artistic kid would be an understatement. He’s amazing. Um he draws like an adult. He’s definitely the most popular kid in the class. Ahh he gets invited on heaps of play dates and really he just gets along with everybody.

Mediator:
uh huh. What else does Benjamin enjoy doing? What sorts of things is he into?

Karen:
Well he loves soccer. We often go to the park to kick the soccer ball around. He’s always dying to go. Umm I bought him a little mini soccer goal thing.

Bill (interrupting):
Actually I believe I paid for that.

Karen:
Yeah, and who found it and brought it home and put it together!

Bill (to mediator):
See what I’m dealing with.

Mediator:
So go on Karen.

Karen:
Look I just want Benjamin to be happy and to do what he wants to do. Bill seems bent on getting him to play footy instead. He “lost” Benjamin’s last soccer ball and I had to buy him another one.

Bill (yelling):
He asked for a football!

Karen (Yelling):
He meant a soccer ball! He’s not interested in Aussie Rules!

Bill:
He’s seven years old! He doesn’t know what he likes!

Karen (to mediator):
And this is what I’m dealing with!

Mediator:
Bill, tell me what Benjamin’s keen on.

Bill:
He, he likes chocolate. He likes spending time with me. He likes going out to restaurants, he likes…

Mediator:
I’m going to ask you both something. Can you tell me your impression about what you think Benjamin has picked up from the conflict between the two of you? Bill, what do you think Benjamin would say about things between you and Karen?

Instrumental music begins to play.

Bill:
sigh – I… I don’t think he would’ve seen us arguing. But he probably heard us a few times though.

Mediator:
And how might that affect him?

Fade out. Cut to Bill leaning against his car checking his watch. Karen is driving to meet him. She pulls up. The children get out of the car.

Molly:
Hey Dad!

Bill:
Hey!

Benjamin (very excited):
Look what I drew for you Dad! Look what I drew for you!

Bill looks at Karen then down to the picture. Molly sees the look. It is a picture of Father and son playing soccer.

Bill:
Thanks Mate! (aggressively at Karen) That’s great.

Molly takes Benjamin’s hand and gets in Bill’s car. Karen gets out of her car.

Bill:
Are you fucking serious? How is it you are late every single time!?

Karen:
Oh for god sakes Bill give it a rest! I got here as quick as I could. Traffic was terrible!

Bill:
Stop with the excuses Karen. You are so fucking predictably unreliable.

Karen:
Oh I’m unreliable!?

Bill:
Is it that hard? To be on time?

Karen:
What is your problem? No matter what every time I see you, you have a go. You can’t help yourself! If I wasn’t late it would be their shoes, or their clothes, or something else! You’re the one with the problem you stuck up asshole.

Cut to children’s perspective from the back seat of Bill’s car. Molly covers Benjamin’s ears

Bill:
How about you get your fucking act together and sort yourself out!

Karen:
PISS OFF!

Bill:
You are easily the most useless person I know.

Karen:
Oh and you are easily the most conceited asshole I know.

Bill:
Oh stop the games. Stop messing me around. You and I both know you’re just trying to say this to piss me off. This is going to end NOW.

Instrumental Music stops playing. Bill gets in his car. Cut to mediator’s office.

Mediator:
I want to ask each of you to spend a few minutes in my shoes.

Bill narrates what the audience sees. Images are of Karen and Sister and Bill yelling.

Bill:
Karen asked her sister to come over early Christmas morning, even though I had explicitly told her not to. She behaves really awfully towards me.

Cut back to mediators office

Karen:
She does not – you treat her like crap.

Bill:
She’s always in Karen’s ear making snide comments trying to manipulate the situation.

Karen:
That’s a lie! My sister is the most supportive person in the world. She loves Molly and Benjamin.

Cut back to Xmas morning. Children are standing in the doorway in their pyjamas watching adults fight.

Bill:
She is supportive of you acting like a total bitch!

Karen:
Well she is always there for me when you are being a complete dick!

Bill:
I am not! I’m a good person! [Cut back to mediators office] All I want is what’s best for my kids and you make everything up about yourself!

Karen:
What a pack of lies! You just want the kids to fit into some little mould of how you think they should be and what you think they should do. You have absolutely no concern of what they want! NONE!

Bill (yelling):
That’s a lie!

Karen (yelling):
No it’s not – listen to yourself!

Bill:
NO! You listen to yourself!

Karen:
Listen to yourself!

Bill:
Listen to yourself and shut the hell up for once!

Bill and Karen look down at the table. The mediator looks at each of them. Instrumental music begins again.

Mediator:
Let’s go forward a few years in Molly’s life. Say she’s 17/18 and she is looking back. What do you want her to feel about the family life the two of you provided for her? And what are the two of you going to have to do to achieve that?

Fade out. Cut to Bill leaning against his car checking his watch. Karen is driving to meet him. She pulls up. The children get out of the car.

Benjamin:
HEY DAD!

Molly:
Hi Dad.

Bill:
Hey kids.

Benjamin (excitedly):
Look what I made for you Dad!

Benjamin hands Bill a homemade soccer ball

Bill:
Woah! That’s great. Thanks mate.

Karen gets out of the car. Molly takes Benjamin into the back seat of Bill’s car.

Bill:
You’re late again Karen.

Karen:
Traffic was terrible, but I am sorry for keeping you.

Molly looks back at her parents as she is getting in the car.

Bill:
How about you send me a text next time? If you think you’ll be late. That might work?

Karen:
(pauses for a moment) Ok.

Bill:
So I’ll see you at Benjamin’s game on Sunday? Have you packed his soccer gear?

Karen:
Yeah, yeah it’s all there. Umm I’ll see you then.

Bill:See ya.

Molly smiles.

Molly:
Bye Mum!

Karen:
Bye.

Bill and Karen get in their cars. Bill drives away. Fade out.
Montage of Bill and Karen fighting set to instrumental music.

---END---

END NOTES:

The information in this film is a general guide to the law. You should not rely on this video as legal advice. It is recommended you talk to a layer about your particular situation.

If you need legal help or referral, contact:
LawAccess NSW
on
1300 888 529
or
www.lawaccessnsw.gov.au

This film has been adapted from resources produced by the Legal Aid WA “When Separating” project. Legal Aid NSW thanks Legal Aid WA for permission to reproduce this content. This information is copyright. All persons or organisations wanting to reproduce this material should get permission from Legal Aid WA.

Hide transcript

Who is who in a family dispute mediation. Click on a person to see more information.

Click on a person to see more information about their role in Mediation

Dad

To prepare for the conference think about whether your proposals are safe for the kids, suits their ages and stage of development and will allow them to get to know both parents. It is a good idea to get legal advice before the conference.

At Legal Aid NSW a conference organiser arranges your conference. They will talk to you or your lawyer if you have one. Talk to the conference organiser or your lawyer if you are worried about intimidation or violence and also about booking an interpreter, requesting a mediator from your cultural background, or having a support person with you.

Dad's Lawyer

Your lawyer can attend mediation conferences organised by Legal Aid NSW. Lawyers do not speak for you in mediation but can give you advice. You can ask the mediator for a break to talk to your lawyer. Lawyers can also draft parenting plans or consent orders.

If you have a grant of legal aid it will cover the costs of your lawyer. Your lawyer will be either from Legal Aid NSW or a private lawyer paid by legal aid. If you have been invited to a conference and you do not qualify for a grant of legal aid, the conference is free, but if your lawyer attends you will have to pay them.

Mum's Lawyer

Mum

Mediator

The mediator is also called a family dispute resolution practitioner or conference chair. They run the mediation conference and make sure that everyone is able to speak in turn. The mediator helps you think about practical arrangements for the kids, taking into account their ages, development and needs.

Conferences usually occur with everyone present in the same room but sometimes you can each be in different rooms, or the mediator may organise a telephone conference. At Legal Aid NSW you can request a mediator from your cultural background, for example, aboriginal elders or mediators from different cultural and language groups.

Dad

Dad's Lawyer

Mum

Mum's Lawyer

Mediator

Helpful Links

The Legal Aid NSW Mediation Service is also called a family dispute resolution service.
Family Relationship Centres has information about mediation or family dispute resolution services at Family Relationship Centres.
Family Relationships online: What is family dispute resolution? This link provides general information about family dispute resolution (also called mediation).
A Federal Circuit Court site that explains the dispute resolution process, including costs, outcomes and associated services.
Information about Family Dispute Resolution in matters involving the Hague Convention - a treaty governing arrangements for the return of children who have been wrongfully removed from or retained outside their country of residence.

Useful Publications

Legal Aid NSW Family Dispute Resolution: Working out what's best for my children. This brochure provides information about mediation services at Legal Aid NSW and the mediation process.
What is family dispute resolution? This is a Federal Government information brochure about Family Dispute Resolution services.
Compulsory mediation and the exceptions. This brochure from the Family Court has information about when you must attend mediation and when you can go to the Courts.
Developmental needs of children. Here is some information to help you with proposals for your mediation conference.
Parenting Plans Australian Government information on making parenting plans.
Share the care: a Relationships Australia booklet designed to help separating parents draw up a written agreement covering practical issues of parental responsibility such as communication, parenting style, living arrangements, education and healthcare.

Using Mediation

Using mediation

SOCCER CLUB CAR PARK - DAY

MEDIATION ROOM - DAY

Parents that fight

Parents that fight: Change your words, change the outcome

Who is who in a family dispute mediation. Click on a person to see more information.

Click on a person to see more information about their role in Mediation

Dad

Dad's Lawyer

Mum's Lawyer

Mum

Mediator

Helpful Links

Useful Publications

Other Videos & Resources